In May 1995, I was a thirty-three year old woman who was in the process of getting a divorce. I had been in an abusive situation for nearly eight years. It wasn't only physical; it was mental and verbal as well. During part of this abusive period, I was pregnant. Then, it was really hard to say what I wanted to say about it. It seemed as though I had issues with communicating unless I was angry about something. I was angry about the fact that was going through a divorce when I never thought I would be. I figured that once I got married, I would be so for life. What a laugh!
The beginning.......
I got married in March 1985 at twenty-three years old and the physical abuse started in June or July of that same year. It was slapping, punching, pushing, scratching, and all kinds of things that I never thought I would be going through. I always thought about leaving. I heard everything that people were telling me about my situation but, I would just filter out all information I didn't want to hear. Especially the information when they were telling me to leave. It seemed as though the more people told me to leave, the more I hung on to him. Looking for the good things that I knew was in him. Deep down, I felt that he was a good person but, he had issues that extended from his family. It took me some time to figure it out, but I finally realized that his problems are his problems to deal with. If he wants to better himself he has to want to do so it his own. Also, when you set out to change people, the only person that changes is you. Most time it's not for the best. The thing that woke me up to the kind of situation I was in was the last incident when I was hit in the head with an iron. I thought to myself afterward, what if I had not seen it coming and not put my hands over my head to deflect the blow. That blow could have killed me. However, I'm alive and kicking today, but it still took time for me to leave. I stayed after the incident and was miserable because the relationship continued to go up and down. At times when we argued, I was scared to go into my own house. Several times when I did try to communicate to him, I told him that I felt like I was walking on eggshells in my own house and that wasn't how it should be. That statement as well as others I'd made always went in one ear and out the other.
After the Abuse ......
After finally living that abusive situation, I lived on my own with my son for almost ten years until I finally married again in April 2004. I don't have to walk around like I'm walking on eggshells any more, but every once in a while a "not feeling safe" feeling comes over, but it doesn't last because I won't let it. I will never again allow another man to have that kind of power over me again. If it had not been for my family and a few good friends, I'm not sure if I would have made it through that turmoil. My son had been a witness to a number of these events and to some of the outbursts that he had when he stated that he wanted nothing to do with us when we left. I thank God that my son came out of this in tact because he grew up to be a very well-rounded, responsible, and compassionate young man. My getting us away from that situation gave us both a chance to heal and have a new life.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Monday, May 4, 2009
Male-Female Platonic Relationships
I have done much research in regard to these age-old questions: Can best friends become lovers? Can lovers remain friends? I have read many articles and have been to many forums that gave opinions about male/female relationships. Many people don't see why men and women can not have a friendly platonic relationship. But there are those people who don't believe that men and women can have a platonic relationship and in that way, they won't risk it by inviting sex into the friendship.
I found a writer that sums the male/female platonic relationship up pretty nicely and wanted to share this information with everyone. The writer's name is Carmin Wharton. She is a relationship expert and has published her long anticipated relationship memoir, Lessons Learned: While Looking for Love in All the Wrong Faces. It is her desire that women everywhere will gain the strength and courage to love again after unsuccessful relationships and that those who are in successful relationships will do what God requires to sustain them.
This is what she had to say about male/female platonic relationships:
Male-Female Platonic Relationships
Wow, so they actually exist for other people too! Lately, quite a few articles have been published about the phenomena of platonic male-female relationships. Now, I’m not speaking of “friends with benefits;” the ‘benefit’ being sex. The type of male-female relationship I’m speaking of is full of intimacy, is sometimes steamy but the parties involved live by the code of ethics of not crossing the line into a sexual relationship.
I end my book, Lessons Learned: While Looking for Love in All the Wrong Faces with a chapter on platonic male-female relationships and stress the fact that men and women are more alike than we are different and that we should celebrate those differences. Men and women (for the most part) crave true love and to be appreciated by the opposite sex.
It is often said that for a relationship to work, people should be friends first. I believe this to be true and I’ll tell you why. Real love, solid trust and sincere respect are more likely to be established on the really solid ground of a platonic relationship. Platonic relationships are highly underrated. Platonic friendships give us stability and balance that is not often found in romantic, sexual male-female relationships. Once sex enters the picture, drama of some kind will eventually enter the picture. This is not to say that some of the best romantic relationships did not start as platonic relationships. In fact, I believe that a platonic relationship should be a precursor to a male-female relationship which includes sex. If a relationship begins as a platonic friendship and grows into a sexually intimate relationship, and then if one partner decides to vacate the relationship; more often than not, the departing partner will move heaven and earth in an attempt not to hurt their partner. Their exit will be sad and the dynamics of the relationship may change but they will depart with dignity and grace.
Why Platonic Relationships Work
Do you know why deep, loving platonic relationships exist? Because in platonic relationships, people feel free to be themselves and their friend stands in a state of non-judgment. We can be ourselves – all the time. It’s ok if your platonic friend sees you with no makeup, unshaven and unkempt.
Platonic relationships allow men and women to communicate on the deepest level. It has been my experience as a woman that a platonic relationship allows one to see the true soul of a man. Interestingly, when I have had a disagreement with a platonic friend, I notice that we find it easier to forgive one another – overlooking each other’s peculiarities and shortcomings.
Advantages for Women
In a deeply, intimate, platonic male-female relationship, a man will allow you to see him at his most vulnerable state and to me, this is sacred. You get to see what really makes guys tick – their true likes and dislikes regarding women. A woman will learn how they communicate, how their minds work and just how capable they are of deep, true love.
Advantages for Men
A man can truly open up and be himself without fear of rejection or reprisal. He can cry if he wants to. He knows his secrets are safe with his platonic friend and will never be used against him. He gains perspective from a woman’s point of view.
Both men and women will gain insight into why previous romantic, sexual relationships failed. Yes, a platonic male –female relationship is an excellent training ground for a future sexually intimate relationship, particularly if one is looking for a committed relationship. A platonic relationship will teach you how to win the opposite sex’s heart and will show you what makes the opposite sex tick.
How to Maintain a Platonic Relationship
The key to successfully maintaining a platonic relationship is to remember not to violate the no-sex code of ethics because things can get steamy especially if either of you are currently in a state of celibacy. Just know that one can be – in fact very often are – physically attracted to their precious platonic friend.
How to Cross Over Into a Sexual Relationship
If you find yourself desiring a sexual, committed, “more than friends” relationship with your platonic friend, the first thing to do is some soul searching. Are you merely lonely or getting desperate? If through careful and prayerful consideration, you really believe in your heart of hearts that you and your platonic friend should explore a different type of relationship, then you must communicate this to your friend just as you would openly communicate about anything else. Here’s the key though. Make certain that you are clear in your heart and mind that if your friend does not agree, there will be:
1. No hard feelings
2. You will not be embarrassed for having broached the subject
3. It will be a done deal and things will truly and sincerely go back to the way they were before you talked
You really need to communicate these 3 things to your friend before you begin to talk. Because your friendship is true and solid to begin with, there should be no problem going back into your platonic friendship mode and picking up where you left off. If after deep and honest consideration, you do not believe you can hold true to the above 3 points, do not, I repeat, do not approach your platonic friend about a romantic relationship. The risk of loosing a dear friend is not worth it.
Carmin has some more advice that may be of interest. You can go here and check it out.
Carmin Wharton on Relationship Advice: The Role Fathers Play in Women’s Relationships
Carmin Wharton, The Relationship Teacher
www.carminwharton.com
blog.carminwharton.com
http://carminwharton.blogspot.com/
I found a writer that sums the male/female platonic relationship up pretty nicely and wanted to share this information with everyone. The writer's name is Carmin Wharton. She is a relationship expert and has published her long anticipated relationship memoir, Lessons Learned: While Looking for Love in All the Wrong Faces. It is her desire that women everywhere will gain the strength and courage to love again after unsuccessful relationships and that those who are in successful relationships will do what God requires to sustain them.
This is what she had to say about male/female platonic relationships:
Male-Female Platonic Relationships
Wow, so they actually exist for other people too! Lately, quite a few articles have been published about the phenomena of platonic male-female relationships. Now, I’m not speaking of “friends with benefits;” the ‘benefit’ being sex. The type of male-female relationship I’m speaking of is full of intimacy, is sometimes steamy but the parties involved live by the code of ethics of not crossing the line into a sexual relationship.
I end my book, Lessons Learned: While Looking for Love in All the Wrong Faces with a chapter on platonic male-female relationships and stress the fact that men and women are more alike than we are different and that we should celebrate those differences. Men and women (for the most part) crave true love and to be appreciated by the opposite sex.
It is often said that for a relationship to work, people should be friends first. I believe this to be true and I’ll tell you why. Real love, solid trust and sincere respect are more likely to be established on the really solid ground of a platonic relationship. Platonic relationships are highly underrated. Platonic friendships give us stability and balance that is not often found in romantic, sexual male-female relationships. Once sex enters the picture, drama of some kind will eventually enter the picture. This is not to say that some of the best romantic relationships did not start as platonic relationships. In fact, I believe that a platonic relationship should be a precursor to a male-female relationship which includes sex. If a relationship begins as a platonic friendship and grows into a sexually intimate relationship, and then if one partner decides to vacate the relationship; more often than not, the departing partner will move heaven and earth in an attempt not to hurt their partner. Their exit will be sad and the dynamics of the relationship may change but they will depart with dignity and grace.
Why Platonic Relationships Work
Do you know why deep, loving platonic relationships exist? Because in platonic relationships, people feel free to be themselves and their friend stands in a state of non-judgment. We can be ourselves – all the time. It’s ok if your platonic friend sees you with no makeup, unshaven and unkempt.
Platonic relationships allow men and women to communicate on the deepest level. It has been my experience as a woman that a platonic relationship allows one to see the true soul of a man. Interestingly, when I have had a disagreement with a platonic friend, I notice that we find it easier to forgive one another – overlooking each other’s peculiarities and shortcomings.
Advantages for Women
In a deeply, intimate, platonic male-female relationship, a man will allow you to see him at his most vulnerable state and to me, this is sacred. You get to see what really makes guys tick – their true likes and dislikes regarding women. A woman will learn how they communicate, how their minds work and just how capable they are of deep, true love.
Advantages for Men
A man can truly open up and be himself without fear of rejection or reprisal. He can cry if he wants to. He knows his secrets are safe with his platonic friend and will never be used against him. He gains perspective from a woman’s point of view.
Both men and women will gain insight into why previous romantic, sexual relationships failed. Yes, a platonic male –female relationship is an excellent training ground for a future sexually intimate relationship, particularly if one is looking for a committed relationship. A platonic relationship will teach you how to win the opposite sex’s heart and will show you what makes the opposite sex tick.
How to Maintain a Platonic Relationship
The key to successfully maintaining a platonic relationship is to remember not to violate the no-sex code of ethics because things can get steamy especially if either of you are currently in a state of celibacy. Just know that one can be – in fact very often are – physically attracted to their precious platonic friend.
How to Cross Over Into a Sexual Relationship
If you find yourself desiring a sexual, committed, “more than friends” relationship with your platonic friend, the first thing to do is some soul searching. Are you merely lonely or getting desperate? If through careful and prayerful consideration, you really believe in your heart of hearts that you and your platonic friend should explore a different type of relationship, then you must communicate this to your friend just as you would openly communicate about anything else. Here’s the key though. Make certain that you are clear in your heart and mind that if your friend does not agree, there will be:
1. No hard feelings
2. You will not be embarrassed for having broached the subject
3. It will be a done deal and things will truly and sincerely go back to the way they were before you talked
You really need to communicate these 3 things to your friend before you begin to talk. Because your friendship is true and solid to begin with, there should be no problem going back into your platonic friendship mode and picking up where you left off. If after deep and honest consideration, you do not believe you can hold true to the above 3 points, do not, I repeat, do not approach your platonic friend about a romantic relationship. The risk of loosing a dear friend is not worth it.
Carmin has some more advice that may be of interest. You can go here and check it out.
Carmin Wharton on Relationship Advice: The Role Fathers Play in Women’s Relationships
Carmin Wharton, The Relationship Teacher
www.carminwharton.com
blog.carminwharton.com
http://carminwharton.blogspot.com/
"When Does the Abuse End?"
In May 1995, I was a thirty-three year old woman who was in the process of getting a divorce. I had been in an abusive situation for nearly eight years. It wasn't only physical; it was mental and verbal as well. During part of this abusive period, I was pregnant. Then, it was really hard to say what I wanted to say about it. It seemed as though I had issues with communicating unless I was angry about something. I was angry about the fact that was going through a divorce when I never thought I would be. I figured that once I got married, I would be so for life. What a laugh!
The beginning.......
I got married in March 1985 at twenty-three years old and the physical abuse started in June or July of that same year. It was slapping, punching, pushing, scratching, and all kinds of things that I never thought I would be going through. I always thought about leaving. I heard everything that people were telling me about my situation but, I would just filter out all information I didn't want to hear. Especially the information when they were telling me to leave. It seemed as though the more people told me to leave, the more I hung on to him. Looking for the good things that I knew was in him. Deep down, I felt that he was a good person but, he had issues that extended from his family. It took me some time to figure it out, but I finally realized that his problems are his problems to deal with. If he wants to better himself he has to want to do so it his own. Also, when you set out to change people, the only person that changes is you. Most time it's not for the best. The thing that woke me up to the kind of situation I was in was the last incident when I was hit in the head with an iron. I thought to myself afterward, what if I had not seen it coming and not put my hands over my head to deflect the blow. That blow could have killed me. However, I'm alive and kicking today, but it still took time for me to leave. I stayed after the incident and was miserable because the relationship continued to go up and down. At times when we argued, I was scared to go into my own house. Several times when I did try to communicate to him, I told him that I felt like I was walking on eggshells in my own house and that wasn't how it should be. That statement as well as others I'd made always went in one ear and out the other.
After the Abuse ......
After finally living that abusive situation, I lived on my own with my son for almost ten years until I finally married again in April 2004. I don't have to walk around like I'm walking on eggshells any more, but every once in a while a "not feeling safe" feeling comes over, but it doesn't last because I won't let it. I will never again allow another man to have that kind of power over me again. If it had not been for my family and a few good friends, I'm not sure if I would have made it through that turmoil. My son had been a witness to a number of these events and to some of the outbursts that he had when he stated that he wanted nothing to do with us when we left. I thank God that my son came out of this in tact because he grew up to be a very well-rounded, responsible, and compassionate young man. My getting us away from that situation gave us both a chance to heal and have a new life.
The beginning.......
I got married in March 1985 at twenty-three years old and the physical abuse started in June or July of that same year. It was slapping, punching, pushing, scratching, and all kinds of things that I never thought I would be going through. I always thought about leaving. I heard everything that people were telling me about my situation but, I would just filter out all information I didn't want to hear. Especially the information when they were telling me to leave. It seemed as though the more people told me to leave, the more I hung on to him. Looking for the good things that I knew was in him. Deep down, I felt that he was a good person but, he had issues that extended from his family. It took me some time to figure it out, but I finally realized that his problems are his problems to deal with. If he wants to better himself he has to want to do so it his own. Also, when you set out to change people, the only person that changes is you. Most time it's not for the best. The thing that woke me up to the kind of situation I was in was the last incident when I was hit in the head with an iron. I thought to myself afterward, what if I had not seen it coming and not put my hands over my head to deflect the blow. That blow could have killed me. However, I'm alive and kicking today, but it still took time for me to leave. I stayed after the incident and was miserable because the relationship continued to go up and down. At times when we argued, I was scared to go into my own house. Several times when I did try to communicate to him, I told him that I felt like I was walking on eggshells in my own house and that wasn't how it should be. That statement as well as others I'd made always went in one ear and out the other.
After the Abuse ......
After finally living that abusive situation, I lived on my own with my son for almost ten years until I finally married again in April 2004. I don't have to walk around like I'm walking on eggshells any more, but every once in a while a "not feeling safe" feeling comes over, but it doesn't last because I won't let it. I will never again allow another man to have that kind of power over me again. If it had not been for my family and a few good friends, I'm not sure if I would have made it through that turmoil. My son had been a witness to a number of these events and to some of the outbursts that he had when he stated that he wanted nothing to do with us when we left. I thank God that my son came out of this in tact because he grew up to be a very well-rounded, responsible, and compassionate young man. My getting us away from that situation gave us both a chance to heal and have a new life.
What Compelled Me to Write TWO LOVES, ONE HEART
I wrote this book, Two Loves, One Heart, partly because of much of the turmoil I had experienced in my life when I had been abused. Now, I am a SURVIVOR and want to reach out to other abuse victims. Ever since my college instructor told me that I expressed myself so beautifully in my writing, I thought, what better way to do what I love and send out a message to others than through my writing. With that being said, my first hope with writing this book is to share my experiences with others through my writing with expectations of maybe helping others who have gone through or are going through bad times or abuse.
My second hope with this book is to create a story of fiction using true-to-life characters that regular people might be able to relate to. Anyone who has ever felt the heartbreak and the trials that love can bring, especially those who have experienced abusive or controlling relationships, will relate to my main character Lynnette's journey to find true love within herself. Hopefully, my book will give readers hope that they can bring their lives around from the brink of devastation and despair if they have the desire to help themselves.
I wanted to communicate to abuse victims that they are worthy of being helped and loved. This help can come from family and friends or professionally if the need be. I am speaking from experience and I am a SURVIVOR. My strong faith in God and my family helped me to find my way back from that dark and lonely place. I am thankful and truly blessed. Experience has taught me that, “LOVE SHOULDN’T HURT”.
My second hope with this book is to create a story of fiction using true-to-life characters that regular people might be able to relate to. Anyone who has ever felt the heartbreak and the trials that love can bring, especially those who have experienced abusive or controlling relationships, will relate to my main character Lynnette's journey to find true love within herself. Hopefully, my book will give readers hope that they can bring their lives around from the brink of devastation and despair if they have the desire to help themselves.
I wanted to communicate to abuse victims that they are worthy of being helped and loved. This help can come from family and friends or professionally if the need be. I am speaking from experience and I am a SURVIVOR. My strong faith in God and my family helped me to find my way back from that dark and lonely place. I am thankful and truly blessed. Experience has taught me that, “LOVE SHOULDN’T HURT”.
Compelling Reasons That Keep Women in Abusive Relationships
The following list is a composite of views from women in our groups over the past several years. They invited me into their lives and helped us to answer the question: "What keeps women in abusive relationships?”
• He will threaten to leave me.
• He said he will, “Hunt me down and kill me.”
• He will kidnap the children and disappear.
• He will spread horrible rumors about me.
• I will never be safe; I might as well live with him.
• She will “out” me at work or to my family.
Effects of Abuse:
• Depression.
• Feelings of immobility.
• Can’t face making decisions.
• “I am so used to my life being this way.”
• “I have no real options or choices.”
Roles Culture Forces Upon Women: Guilt
• I will ruin his life if I leave.
• She will lose her job if I report this.
• He will start drinking again.
• I will disappoint my family.
• I have to take care of him.
Economic Dependence
• He has all the money.
• I have never had a good job. How will I care for kids alone?
• Better to be beaten up at home that to be on the street.
• I would rather die than be on welfare.
Subordination
• I am afraid to be on my own. Who will protect me?
• I fear that I will never be in a relationship again.
• He gives me a sense of security.
• I don’t want to be a divorced woman.
• He will threaten to leave me.
• He said he will, “Hunt me down and kill me.”
• He will kidnap the children and disappear.
• He will spread horrible rumors about me.
• I will never be safe; I might as well live with him.
• She will “out” me at work or to my family.
Effects of Abuse:
• Depression.
• Feelings of immobility.
• Can’t face making decisions.
• “I am so used to my life being this way.”
• “I have no real options or choices.”
Roles Culture Forces Upon Women: Guilt
• I will ruin his life if I leave.
• She will lose her job if I report this.
• He will start drinking again.
• I will disappoint my family.
• I have to take care of him.
Economic Dependence
• He has all the money.
• I have never had a good job. How will I care for kids alone?
• Better to be beaten up at home that to be on the street.
• I would rather die than be on welfare.
Subordination
• I am afraid to be on my own. Who will protect me?
• I fear that I will never be in a relationship again.
• He gives me a sense of security.
• I don’t want to be a divorced woman.
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